Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
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*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
What if the weather talks about us?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.