wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
can’t believe I got front row seats
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell