$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
accurate
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!