Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
#Caturday
The happy life.. 😊
Nigella has gone too far this time.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.