Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
You Might Also Like
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
what could possibly go wrong?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.