I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
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My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what