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If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
But I really needed water water water
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*