11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9