New mindset, who dis?
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As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster