Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
You Might Also Like
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
respect
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.