Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.