[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper