If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
That’s fair
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.