I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.