I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
You Might Also Like
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.