Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no