I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
my professor scared me for a second
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”