[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: