Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
You Might Also Like
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.