“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
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i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.