The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.