Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
This made me chuckle.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.