I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
no one ever comes back
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too