I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
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5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
nature’s most graceful animal
The two types of wives
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.