Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
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In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady