Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
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Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute