Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.