I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Oh no
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look