There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Sorry not sorry.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.