Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
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I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Unexpected Judgment
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.