Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.