when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.