When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
set yourself free xox
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.