If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what