hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
why I oughta
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”