HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
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People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
craving $300 all of a sudden
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*