I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.