Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?