Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere