If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You Might Also Like
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The USS B port
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then