Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol