Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.