[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!