God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Need this in my life lol
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.