HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
☺️
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ