*adds resume embellisher to resume*
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*