20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
A leaf blower, but for people.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work