LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.