*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!