As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
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“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Interior design 👌
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.